moit_fics | Wilfred AU (R)

Title: Wilfred
Author:

moit
Fandom: LotRiPS/Wilfred
Rating: R
Genre: comedy
Warnings: crude humour
Summary: Wilfred AU for

tweedle_. I'll just leave it at that.
Author's note: Special thank you to

honeyandvinegar for cheerleading and beta work. I'm waiting to see what kind of reception this gets before I agree to write more.
Word Count: 1431

"Wait." Elijah grabbed the girl by the sleeve. "I thought Ryan's love interest was a girl named Jenna."

Sheila, Jason's assistant, shrugged. "Jason decided the show would work better with a gay twist."

Elijah raised his eyebrows. "O-kayyy." According to the script, Jenna's name was now Jensen. For the most part, it was the same character, only now he would be played by a man.

Later in the day, the same girl came to retrieve Elijah from his trailer. She told him he was going to meet his new co-star and on-screen love interest.

He was not expecting to find Orlando Bloom standing with Jason.

"Orli?" Elijah's face split into a huge grin. He hugged his friend. "What are you doing here?"

"They cast me to play Jensen."

Elijah laughed, clapping Orlando on the back. "Very funny. What are you really doing here? Are you working on a set nearby?"

Orlando raised an eyebrow. "Elijah, I'm serious. When my agent found out you were playing Ryan and they were looking for another bloke, he asked if I might be interested in the role. He was mostly joking, but I don't have any other projects going on right now, so . . ."

Elijah was torn between shock that his old friend would want to play his gay love interest and excitement that he'd get to work with Orlando again. "This has to be the craziest project either of us has ever taken on."

"Just wait until we start filming," Jason said, piping up.

"I can only imagine," Elijah said, though the look on Jason's face made him think there was something he wasn't saying. "What are you hiding?"

"Me?" Jason asked innocently. "Nothing."

"Orli?"

Orlando shrugged. "No idea, mate. I bet he's just thinking about how crazy all the Lord of the Rings fan-girls are going to be when they find out we're doing this and The Hobbit."

"I think you just can't get enough of me," Elijah said.

"Actually, mate," Orlando leaned in close. "I'd rather eat possum ass."

"I have it on good authority that possum ass is delicious," Jason agreed, nodding.

"Oh, you two are a fucking riot," Elijah said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"Wait until he reads about the kiss I wrote into the pilot," Jason told Orlando.

"Kiss? First you change Jenna to a dude, then you make me kiss Orlando?"

"Hey! Plenty of people would pay big money to kiss these lips," Orlando said, puckering his mouth.

"You mean those unappealingly thin lips."

"I'd rather have thin lips than a gap between my front teeth."

"Do you have any idea how many jobs this gap has gotten me?" Elijah said, wedging his tongue up against the gap.

"Well, better that one than the gap between your thighs," Jason added.

"Fuck you," Elijah chuckled.

"Ahh," Jason said, nodding sagely. "Still a virgin, yeah?"

"Hardly. The little prick got New Zealand to lower the drinking age to 19 and it was over after that," Orlando said.

"How was he, then?"

"What, me? Oh, hell no!"

"You checked me out once or twice," Elijah said.

"I was drunk."

"You were coming on to me."

"Elijah, that was at the drag party when everyone thought you were a woman."

"Fuck, this is better than anything than I could write. Truth is stranger than fiction, and all that. Maybe I should just record you two and put that in the script," Jason crowed.

"Do it and I quit," Elijah and Orlando said together.

"I think this is the start of a beautiful working relationship."

Elijah and Orlando looked at each other and shrugged. What the hell had they gotten themselves into?

*

"Okay, this is the scene where Ryan and Jensen meet for the first time. Ryan has just tried to kill himself four times. We already know Ryan likes Jensen, but this is Jensen's first opportunity to express an interest in Ryan."

They were just dry-running scenes. Elijah, Orlando, and Jason were all in street clothes.

Ryan opened his door to find Jensen standing there. But when Wilfred barreled into Jensen, Elijah nearly fell on his ass from laughing so hard.

"Dominic!"

First Orlando, now Dom. He couldn't even imagine what kind of joke this was. His birthday wasn't for nearly half a year.

"Surprise!" Dom said, spreading his furry arms. "This one was Jason's idea."

"They cast you to play Wilfred?"

"Time to hand over the reins, I thought," Jason said with a shrug.

Elijah hugged Dom again. "I can't believe you didn't tell me!" He turned to Orlando. "Did you know?"

Orlando made a face. "Only since this morning. Jason made me promise not to tell."

"Well, fuck me," Elijah said, still smiling.

"Personally, I think he's just trying to capitalize on the Lord of the Rings angle. The three of us being two Hobbits and an Elf, and all."

"Billy's not planning to show up as Spencer, is he?"

"Nope. Sadly, he's stuck in Glasgow."

"I think the three of you are quite enough for me to handle," Jason said. He shuffled through the papers in his hand. "Okay, so Wilfred shows up and Ryan sees a guy in a dog suit. Go from there."

"Wilfred!" Orlando said, rubbing Dom through the furry suit. "This is my dog, Wilfred."

Dom licked a long wet stripe up Orlando's cheek.

"Dominic! Eww!" Orlando wiped his face on his shoulder. "That wasn't in the script!"

"It is now!" Jason said gleefully.

"Oh, come on, we both know that's not the first time he licked your face," Elijah said.

"Go on, Dom, lick his. It's only fair."

Dom wrinkled his black-painted nose.

"Wilfred just met Ryan, and he doesn't like him. It would hardly make sense." Dom tapped his cheek with a furry hand. "Maybe he should pee on him. Staking his claim, his ownership over Ryan."

"That's a bit much . . ." Jason said, looking as uncomfortable as Elijah felt. "I mean, Ryan and Wilfred shit in Spencer's boot later. I don't want this to look like a scat film."

Dom scowled.

"Buck up, Wilfred. You get to rub yourself all over this while Ryan wishes it was him," Orlando said reasonably.

"True," Dom agreed, taking the opportunity to rub as much of his furry self against Orlando as he could.

Elijah chuckled and looked away.

"Priceless," Jason said. "Absolutely priceless. This is going to be even better than the Aussie version, and I thought nothing could top that. Maybe the studio will rename the series "Elijah and Orlando tackle Dom . . . From behind."

Dom looked scandalized. "Ooooh, no. I am the alpha. I am the fuck-ee, not the fuck-er. Wilfred is the one who tells Ryan to fuck Spencer in the ass to assert his dominance."

"Well, maybe we should flip that part, since we changed Jenna to Jensen. Make Ryan the dominant one and Wilfred the sub."

"I'll quit!"

"He's just fucking kidding mate, calm down," Orlando said.

But the look on Jason's face wasn't one of amusement.

"You are . . . Joking, aren't you?" Elijah asked, sounding worried.

"Of course I am!" Jason said, his mouth splitting into a grin. "You Hobbits really need to lighten up."

"Oi, I wasn't a Hobbit. I was an Elf! An elf Prince, no less!" Orlando said, affronted.

"Stuff it, Leggy," Dom said, shoving at him. "You're just eye candy now. Elijah and I are the new stars of the show."

"He was always eye candy, Dom," Elijah said.

Dom stopped, looking thoughtful. "He was, wasn't he? Huh."

Orlando shook his head. "Ignore them," he told Jason.

"Well, you didn't think we hired you because you're a good actor did we? We just wanted someone pretty."

Orlando stared at him.

"Just taking the piss, mate! Calm down."

"I am a good actor," Orlando grumbled.

Dom patted Orlando on the shoulder reassuringly. To Elijah and Jason, he shook his head and mouthed hell no.